It is not always easy to wear my heart on my sleeve. It does not feel comfortable in the slightest being vulnerable to others judgments or worse – my own.

A few weeks ago, I received a note from a very precious woman/client, who wrote “…(You) showed me a different way of being – a way of wanting to be connected and accepting that in vulnerability there is great courage, strength, freedom and love. Thank you.”

I was touched beyond belief by all she shared in her note. Overwhelmed with immense love and gratitude – it ran through me in waves as I started to cry. Mixed with my joy were also tears of “shame on me” from my very own internal judgmental self-critic.

You see – my life passion, my mission, my heartsong is to make a difference for others. One of my biggest natural expressions of this for me is as a relationship coach. This is a way of being of service to intimate love and connection with/for another human being. It brings our mutual best out ultimately.

And I had for all intents and purposes – closed up shop – on myself, my heart and as a result on my practice. I haven’t been fully “there”. My past relationship left me tender-hearted – NO – I had my heart broken wide open. And it has been a challenge and rather slow and awkward journey to open myself up fully to love. One of much soul-searching – of deeper self discovery with moments of sheer joy and others of intense pain.

I want you to know at times I came up with all kinds of avoidances and rationalizations – I call them “rational lies” now. I just wasn’t being honest with myself. And I danced a fine jig – avoiding not really wanting to get to the heart of the matter. Stuff stemming from way back -abandonment, domestic violence, sexual abuse, addictions – even my own sexuality came into question.

I thought I had tied a pretty bow on all that long ago and come to terms with it all and there was just MORE layers to resolve. The truth is I kept getting caught in the biggest lie – FEAR – afraid of being hurt and was not always initially willing to be exposed to and feel through my own pain and shame. But I kept coming back.

And now I’m so grateful for those great big hurts – it means I have a great big courageous heart. And I’m still learning more about myself…

One thing of many, I have learned is that I do not get to pick the emotions I will feel when living with a vulnerable open heart. To be that open to love means I am just as much open to hurt. Anyone who has loved and lost a cherished person or pet knows this Truth.

Now, I’ve been slowly being busy with relationship coaching and with dating but certainly not been playing full out with everyone. And it’s high time to shift into gear.

So what’s next? Let’s see …

I’ve just decided that this Tuesday beings it’s Valentine’s evening I’m going to host a free woman’s conference call and share some love and connection plus my best relationship tips with the women who choose to join me. You do not need to be alone! Be sure to pass this on …

(I’ll send out details a bit later but it’ll be more me sharing some of my relationship insights and it will be a very interactive Q & A style.)

I’ve also been writing a book called “Whole-Hearted:101 Ways for the Courageous Woman to Fully Love”. It’s my inspiring collection of insights and real-life lessons with the intention that through my sharing, other women will find THEIR way.
So look for that.

and I’m working on a few other’s women’s group programs …more to follow soon.

AND the FUN and very eye-opening part is I’ve recently been literally out on the streets (ok-concourses – too cold out) with a microphone, interviewing men aka “Kings” asking questions to them about women aka “Queens” and Honourable relationships. Very interesting indeed.

And to the very precious lady who shared herself poignantly and whole-heartedly with me – Thank you for returning the favour – for returning love. You helped get my butt in gear a little sooner!!

Sometimes a Woman is a gentle guide, and other times a wild, force to be reckoned with. It is the intention that counts.

While driving on a busy 4 lane street in west Toronto, I was reminded of our need to be there for one another, in whatever form it takes.

A family of geese was attempting to cross this busy road, on their journey to their safe haven. The speeding cars cut them off, they milled in confusion, in imminent danger.

I jumped (literally – from a not quite stopped car) into action, attempting to contain the frighten creatures, arms splayed wide open – intending to gently guide them to safety. With the determination of an authoritative traffic cop, I stopped the flow of traffic. Not sure of where they were heading – which side they wanted to be on – I let them lead. We crossed, re-crossed and crossed again – cars slipping in between their family. It was a great comedy and yet a dangerous dance. People called out encouragement, advice or simply laughed – some scowled, others observed – full range of humanity was with us. I wondered if I was just another silly goose in all this.

My gentle, passive guide approach was not cutting it so on instinct, I changed course.
I charged them – laughing and yelling wildly and flaying my arms. The mother took flight – honking, beckoning. The young waddled as fast as they could, wings now flapping – scared shitless – literally. I pressed on. In an instant, they took flight on that beautiful perfectly created run way.

Mission Accomplished.

I am a Woman, living on purpose with clear intent – even when those around me do not understand. I can be soft and gentle, I can be comical and I can be a rather scary force to be reckoned with.

Other Life Lessons I’ve learned from Geese….

Geese flying in a V-formation is a common sight for many of us. It’s a welcome sign of spring and also heralds the coming of winter. Not only is this a marvelous sight to watch, but there are some remarkable and significant lessons that we humans can learn from the flight of the geese.

1. As each goose flaps its wings, it creates uplift for others behind it. There is 71% more flying range in V-formation than in flying alone.
Lesson: People who share a common direction and sense of purpose can get there more quickly.

2. Whenever a goose flies out of this formation, it feels drag and tries to get back into position.
Lesson: It’s harder to do something alone than together.

3. When the lead goose gets tired, it rotates back into formation and another goose flies at the head.
Lesson: Shared leadership and interdependence give us each a chance to lead, as well as an opportunity to rest.

4. The geese flying in the rear of the formation honk to encourage those upfront to keep up their speed.
Lesson: Encouragement is motivating. We need to make sure our “honking” is encouraging and not discouraging.

5. When a goose gets sick or wounded and falls, two geese fall out of formation and stay with it until it revives or dies. Then they catch up or join another flock.
Lesson: We may all need help from time to time. We should stand by our colleagues in difficult times.

I started smoking when I was 13. I remember the day very clearly. My best friend and I discussed smoking as a way to fit in with the cool kids – to belong.

I’ve smoked for almost two-thirds of my life. I have stopped many, many times – sometimes for years. Right now, I smoke. I have felt incredible shame and disgust with myself. I have felt despair, anger and fear – all so very disempowering.

When my eldest daughter was 14, I saw a pack of cigarettes in her room, and my heart broke in that very moment filled with a deep, sinking sadness. I just stood there and felt waves of many emotions crash into me.

And I was taken back to my own bedroom at 14, my own mother storming in, raging as she confronted me; my cigarettes in her hand. My mother’s rage born of love and fear for my wellbeing. And I remembered that my mother’s way had not worked with me – my insolent nature had me rebel, resist and smoke more for spite.

Now here, faced with the same quandary, I was clear I didn’t want to push my daughter away and I wanted a different outcome than what I had. I didn’t have any answers. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to make her stop. I didn’t know how to reach her. I didn’t know what to say. I was at a loss. My world just stopped. All I had in that moment was a knowing that everything happens for a reason, even when I do not understand or don’t have it figured out. In this, I found some peace, my solace and my resolve.

I sat on her bed and all I could muster was a very quiet “Are you addicted?”
“No.” she replied. And with all I was feeling, I just smiled weakly, “That’s good.”
I patted her one more time and left.

She does not smoke. I never saw them again and we never spoke about it – until yesterday. She believed her little sister might be smoking. And she angrily blasted me; telling me to ground her; control her more; limit her friends. I witnessed her intense love and fear-based concern showing up as furious anger.

This morning I was sitting outside – smoking, thinking about smoking and what I wanted to say to my little girl. I was very disturbed. I called my mother instead. She had been my smoking buddy many years ago when she smoked. We spoke of our generations of un-serving beliefs and patterns. We spoke of self-love and inner happiness.

I then called my younger sister and our conversation turned to our own troubled teens, many moments I had forgotten, intermixed with what was going on now.

I went away in my mind’s eye, taken on a journey of angst, of wanting acceptance, being misunderstood; of not feeling heard. I saw the faces of timeless generations. And I started to cry as I remembered. I cried for the unheard girl-child within me, for the wounded child within my daughters, sisters and mother – in us all.

As the tears of bearing witness washed over me, released me, further healing me, I landed in a place called Love. I was home. I found my peace and my way again.

The last while I’ve been hearing a lot of women complain about being out of balance. These are powerful women driven to achieve in business and are also juggling many other roles like mom, wife, and friend. They also recognize the need for time for themselves. It is a fast paced, stressful world most days. I totally relate.

So, here is a little secret. Balance or rather the result – harmony – is an inner game to play first, before we can have it “out there”.

By honoring and accepting who we are as women at our core – feminine essence, we will achieve more. (I acknowledge that one’s gender and predominant essence are not always the same so I simply invite you to play with what I write.)

As we have had to enter a “man’s world” of competition and control, we’ve gained on many fronts yet we’ve lost some of who we are by nature. We have been seeking our way back to ourselves.

The feminine within each of us is about Being.
It is creative, yet allows life to flow and grow at it’s own pace – just as a child grows within our womb. Such great strength and yet there is vulnerability in that as well. The feminine knowingness, allows us be more relaxed, gracefully slower and we easily allow life to come through us. We spend little energy in effortless creation when letting inspiring newness simple “be”.

Now, the masculine is about Doing.
It’s action-oriented and goal-oriented, driven to win when challenged, designed to be the protector and provider – to take charge and control the outcomes. At an extreme it is aggressive in nature, when in balance visionary and purposeful and a solid safe-haven. It stays the course.

Both are within each of us, both serve us.
It’s just one is more our natural state of being. For myself, I long for more of my feminine nature to shine through – it really feels right to be that and yet I admit oftentimes, I’ve found myself over planning, over analyzing and just plain “over doing it!”

Here’s my experiment.
I’ve been very intentionally allowing myself to be more in my feminine power. It’s also meant allowing me to be vulnerable to the unknown, and learning to trust more. I chose to relinquish control in knowing how things were going to go. .It certainly felt kind of scary, yet there was a rush of excitement there as well. Now stop for a moment and think about this: Isn’t it one of life’s greatest pleasures to just let go?

What are the results?
So far, from my experiment of surrendering more into my feminine element, I noticed, I have been more peaceful and fun to be around. Coming from a place of just “knowing”, I’ve felt more trusting and safer. Magically, more and more opportunities have come my way without me “hunting” for them. My creative energy is flowing and I’m having more inspiring business ideas “pop” into existence easily. Overall, it’s been beautifully calming and delightful to watch as things unfold.

And I’m looking forward to more.

What is your experience?

I was revisiting a collapse I had with strength and weakness – trying to further understand the paradox that there is actually great strength in showing weakness. And it has led down a very interesting path on my own journey of dating.

What is there right now is an admission that I NEED a man!
YIKES!!! On the surface, how weak and needy is that!?

And with that statement lies a bunch of BS (limiting Belief Systems).

Being weak or more pointedly – vulnerable has meant the potential risk of being hurt. So often times, it has been easier to put up a façade or withdraw or just simply avoid potential partners when I felt vulnerable. All of which, is a just a wee bit counter productive to finding my way into a loving relationship.

One of my favorite sayings is ‘It only hurts, if it ain’t healed”. What I know, with absolute certainty, is it is never about the person in front of us causing our pain, they are perhaps the trigger for a deeper, older wound but they can’t cause us to hurt – only we do that to ourselves. And I will own this.

I say I want to be in a relationship and yet I find myself ultimately being stuck by my perceived fears. I know I must unwind my collapses so I may have what I desire.

One of which is simply admitting my basic need to be in a relationship. Yup! I said “need” versus want. Just writing that has me feel pretty vulnerable. I’ve always had it that need was “needy” and one should never need a partner only “want” one…like it was a “nice-to-have” life option. I do find “wanting” a wishful, whimsical word that has so little power but swapping it for “need’ is a whole other level.

Well I am thinking differently now. I need food, I need water. These are vital life-giving needs. No one would question this or judge me for stating that. What I’m talking about here is “need” as in sustenance. And I truly know I need love and I need connection – without either, life is empty and meaningless and I will not thrive. I believe that the ultimate expression in this human form is a partnered relationship.

I looked up the word “sustain” to help me get further clarity on my “need” for a relationship with a man. It means to keep in existence; maintain; to supply with necessities or nourishment; provide for; to support, hold.

What I understand now, is my need for loving, connected “sustenance” and that, for me, means a partnered relationship. That in order for me to truly grow into my full potential, I can’t do it alone or in a vacuum nor do I want to pretend anymore that I can.

Also, it’s impossible to deepen my learning about “me in relationship” without being in the experience of one. I have a deep commitment to keep learning as I can only support a person as far as I have grown.

I now imagine a relationship where both of us sustain the other to be the best we can be. Where we support each other every day; where we truly have each others backs; where we keep our dreams and visions alive and in existence for “us” and each other; where we hold each other in high esteem; where we hold the Other up when they are down. True symbiosis, true fulfillment.

Now THAT is what I need. And that feels right. And that feels liberating.

I’d love to hear your perspective or insights on this.

Today seemed like a good day to begin again.
And so I begin…

I’ve been playing with the thought of what it would be like to grow up.
REALLY grow up.

I am realizing that it is a great opportunity to be “all growed up”, to be mindful of the fact, that how I “show up” each and every moment – matters.

It matters that who I am being has impact on others.

It matters that every thought, feeling and action I cast out like a living pebble into the liquidity of life, lands in the world, creating a gentle peaceful ripple or a tsunami.

I make a powerful difference – one way or the other.
So time to grow up and be mindfully, responsible for my impact. Own it.

Here, is how it unfolded today…

Today, the downtown streets are vibrantly alive with Christmas shoppers. I’m crossing the street when I see a homeless, white haired old man laying on the cold cement, partially covering a steaming grate, a snow covered blanket across his legs. I keep walking just taking in his situation, just noticing him lying there, wondering to myself what his life is really like.

Two policemen approach and one bends down, getting into this man’s face. He berates the man, scolding him like a child – humiliating him in front of many silent onlookers.
I’m one of them.

It’s about a coffee cup in the gutter not far away. He pulls out his book and it appears he’s going to arrest or ticket him. I am struck by a wave of anger and want to yell/retaliate as this indignation.

I decide to shift my perspective and wonder for a moment about this young policeman – wondering why he would be so compelled to treat this poor soul like that and I begin to imagine. Someone did this to him, had hurt him. Compassion floods forth from this opening, washing over my own pain and anger – dissolved.

And I act. I make solid eye contact with the standing policeman, making sure he truly sees me, knows my intent. I then walk to the gutter and with purpose and great care, I pick up not one cup but all the dirty cups and walk them over to the nearby garbage can.

When I turn back, both policemen are now standing looking at me. I smile and softly say “Merry Christmas” then walk away. They got it, it was in their eyes.

What they did next, I do not know.
I can only trust my own ripple will spread far with love and kindness.

It feels wonderful to wisely act from this place of being grown up, of being mindful, that what I say and do matters. We all matter.

How do you make your difference? What’s that like?

Merry Christmas.

Last week I got to see my dad in a whole new light. We buried his last sister on Thursday and he leaned into me and held my hand the whole time. I saw his strengths as a man and his weaknesses.

He’s not perfect, never was and never will be. I have made him wrong as a father, as a husband and as a man for so many things. And I have loved him fiercely. A double-edged sword.

As I sat there, my father squeezing my hand and listening to the eulogies for his sister, my mind wandered to the life my father has lived that stretched beyond my experiences with him.

Here was a man, who grew up in a shack, during the depression. By the time he was 12, he was motherless and experienced the death of his young sister, been so starved he had rickets. And yet today, to hear him speak of his childhood, he spins joyous, humorous stories of incredible high adventure and mischief. His spirit was never quelled.

His father was a strict militaristic disciplinarian – a brute.

I wondered what it was like for him at the age of only 16 to leave his childhood town, his friends and to spirit away his 3 older sisters – one blind, one schizophrenic and the other very repressed. His fierce desire to protect them was the driving force that day. And I so love that he protected them as best he could and he continued to protect and care for them very consistently for the rest of all their lives. He was totally devoted to them.

He fell in love with my mom and married at 20. She was not an easy woman – beautiful, head-strong and red-headed – a very “hot” woman. I can only imagine what it was like for him, being 37, with the responsibility of his own family of 7 children and having such a poor role model for a father. And in the end, he came through it all and did the right thing. I know he had wanted to run away from the tension and yet in the end, he was honorable – he stuck it out and remained devoted to his family.

Recently, I caught my dad holding my mother – an intimate moment full of fragility, love and tenderness. It was a defining moment for me to witness that poignant connection.

I admire my father for being so strong, steadfast and dependable in the face of his life’s challenges. Was it easy? Did he make mistakes? Absolutely and yet, I know that for the sake of his family and most importantly, himself – he found the courage and strength to want more from life and he did what it took to get that.

He is an honorable and admirable Man, whom I will always trust to do the right thing.

And I am blessed to have him as my father.

I love you Dad. Happy 81st Birthday and Happy Father’s Day.

You have done well.

Your devoted daughter,

Julie

“It is only with the heart One can see clearly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
–The Littlest Prince

Years ago, I called my mother being very judgmental and feeling totally angry. I was looking for her support (aka buy-in). In her wisdom, she told me: “Do not give the anger any energy.”

I was very affronted. It was certainly not why I had called; I had wanted to fuel my righteous fire.

Her words really bothered me. Actually pissed me off.
And yet, it was like a light bulb went off for me.
There was Truth here, that I’d never explored.

I realized that I could choose to be right, to expand my anger or I could choose to figure out how to let it go and find my way back to being peaceful and happy.

I will say I did have my work cut out for me to figure out “how”. And the effort to create peace in my life was so worth it in the end; for me, my children, and my partner. And in bled into all my relationships – work, family, friends.

Lately, judgment has been showing up for me loud and clear; in casual conversations, with clients and in my own way of being.

In the world of nature, judgment does not exist. There is no righteousness in nature. An animal is killed for food; a raging forest fire reaps havoc on the land, destroying life. It simply is the way of nature. It is what is so. We accept this.

And yet, we are challenged in our own lives to be this accepting. We play judge and jury, way beyond societal rules. And what good does our judgment serve?

Assuredly, we get to be validated, we get to be justified, we get vindication and we get to be right.

In my own process, I started looking at impacts on myself and on others.

Being right, felt so juicy and tasted sweet at the time.
Let me be VERY real here.
There’s a BIG often hidden cost to pay for this juice.
The truth is – it’s not sweet at all, not even bitter-sweet, just plain bitter.
We all get to be bitter inside (and out) when we hold onto being right.

And the impact of being judgmental, being right is even more far reaching.

Someone else has to be wrong, invalidated, disrespected.
More often than not, this is a person we have our closest relationship with.
Now relationship can be Heaven or Hell and righteousness amounts to Hell.
I consistently see that, from this rightly, justified position, there are no winners, everybody loses.

With honesty, with courage, with love, ask yourself:
Is the cost of being right, bringing you closer or farther away?
What is really going on when you play judge and jury?
What are you getting out of being right?
How does it truly serve you and your relationship?

Your answers are your own to ponder.
And they will shape your life.
As your own powerful creator of your life, you get to choose.
Be Right or be Happy.

If you have relationships that are not working and can’t find your way out alone, there is something missing, that you are not seeing. Feel free to contact me for compassionate support and I will show you the way.

Blessings,
Julie

This morning I have found myself off track from my game plan for the day even before I get started. Procrastinating and doing a number of things that aren’t going to get me the top priority outcomes that I say I want.

Sure some are daily tasks that surely need doing (but could wait), some are recreationally enjoyable like writing to friends or spending a quiet reflective moment in the sunshine (for far too long). These are truly very enjoyable while I do them.

I try to fool myself into thinking this is all good stuff and will make me feel good but deep down I know it won’t. I’m off my game plan!

And yet, here I am doing it! Does this sound familiar?

For me, this pattern of procrastination; of avoidance; is very familiar, much like an “in the moment’ young playmate that doesn’t really have my long-term interests at heart.

At the end of the day, the adult “me” will know I’ll feel no sense of accomplishment, no sense of pride of moving forward. Predictably, my internal critic will begin a barrage of “You messed up” negative noise or I may fool myself into a more nurturing loving belief of “It’s ok…you can do it tomorrow…no big deal, you deserved to just do nothing productive today” Either way…I rip myself off.

So here is my choice point – what do I really want, what am I truly more committed to in my life, right now. Do I want to feel good? Do I want something more for myself? What is that?

I get clear about what I want – that incredible sense of accomplishment, pride, of feeling good. I want to know I’m moving forward, using myself and my time wisely.

Now I start remembering times that I felt very satisfied and proud of myself for getting things done. I really begin to feel “it” right now, let it get bigger. Now, I want this vibrant feeling of aliveness, of feeling truly proud of myself, of feeling satisfied with what I’ve accomplished. There’s delicious excitement and fun and happiness there. YUM!

By this pint, that remembering, that enthusiastic feeling of “Feeling great!” it’s have me be excited again about what I need to do today. I am SO ready to stop this silly nonsense and to shut the door on any immediate gratification or procrastination conversations that ultimately suck the life out of me. Yuck!

And now I’m willing lean into my internal self-discipline and new found feeling of excitement, satisfaction and accomplishment. There’s a sense of urgency, of burning desire in me now, like being on a determined exuberant mission, it’s calling me to move and get busy! And I sure feel much, much better and it’s lighter, easier and exciting leading from this place!! And I want MORE of that feeling.

What do you want for yourself today?

I’ve been meaning to write another blog post for weeks now and have had many topics that had me enthusiastic, excited and then the feeling passed.

Later, thoughts of I “should” be writing have come up and I’ve felt out of integrity. One – for not writing when I said I would and two – for others around me not writing and then me encouraging them to write. It’s kinda been “Do as I say, not as I do.” Ouch.

Today I decided to write “come hell or high water”, to get back into integrity.

And I just sat here – nothing. I did notice an inkling inside, a felt-sense of deja vu. My mind wanders and I find myself back in high school being asked to write a poem on the spot in English class.

Now, I had been writing poetry for years. I wrote in the quiet of my room, when I was inspired or rather compelled to take pen in hand and write. All I had to do was answer the call and say “Yes”. The words flowed naturally from me, through me. It was as if I was being guided and when in this place of being in tuned, wondrous heart song materialized effortlessly on paper.

And there I sat that day, staring at this paper – uninspired, totally flat lining and frustrated. The page stared blankly back at me – unblinking. I was just not feeling “it”.

I fumed silently…how dare this teacher even THINK to think that writing could be done on command! I was certainly NOT feeling passion, NOT feeling the connectedness that was required to write. From a place of “I’ll show you!” I chose in the moment to let whatever was “there” appear on that paper.

I had chosen to write even though I was angry, spiteful and had no clue, “zero” as to what to write. (Looking back now – I was scared of this “not knowing”).

I purposefully calmed my mind and became still. I picked up the pen, touched the ink to the page… and then in this quiet, still place I wrote.

Many times I see things in my mind
Thoughts that aren’t my own
Looking for words I can not find
Trying to write a poem

To concentrate, to think
Nothing seems to get nearer
Thoughts just seem to sink
Deep ever deeper, never getting clearer

But relax and stop thinking
Things come to me
Closer to that special linking
Of a poem that is to be.

What I have learned is that it is an act of disciplined, deliberate intention, of commitment to writing that gives me the access to my gift. It has nothing to do with “feeling” like writing, or being inspired passionately.

The path is to say YES first. Pick up the pen second. Then choose to quiet my mind, become still and be open to whatever comes through me.
Trust the process, trust yourself.

What gets you in action?
What will it take?