I was revisiting a collapse I had with strength and weakness – trying to further understand the paradox that there is actually great strength in showing weakness. And it has led down a very interesting path on my own journey of dating.
What is there right now is an admission that I NEED a man!
YIKES!!! On the surface, how weak and needy is that!?
And with that statement lies a bunch of BS (limiting Belief Systems).
Being weak or more pointedly – vulnerable has meant the potential risk of being hurt. So often times, it has been easier to put up a façade or withdraw or just simply avoid potential partners when I felt vulnerable. All of which, is a just a wee bit counter productive to finding my way into a loving relationship.
One of my favorite sayings is ‘It only hurts, if it ain’t healed”. What I know, with absolute certainty, is it is never about the person in front of us causing our pain, they are perhaps the trigger for a deeper, older wound but they can’t cause us to hurt – only we do that to ourselves. And I will own this.
I say I want to be in a relationship and yet I find myself ultimately being stuck by my perceived fears. I know I must unwind my collapses so I may have what I desire.
One of which is simply admitting my basic need to be in a relationship. Yup! I said “need” versus want. Just writing that has me feel pretty vulnerable. I’ve always had it that need was “needy” and one should never need a partner only “want” one…like it was a “nice-to-have” life option. I do find “wanting” a wishful, whimsical word that has so little power but swapping it for “need’ is a whole other level.
Well I am thinking differently now. I need food, I need water. These are vital life-giving needs. No one would question this or judge me for stating that. What I’m talking about here is “need” as in sustenance. And I truly know I need love and I need connection – without either, life is empty and meaningless and I will not thrive. I believe that the ultimate expression in this human form is a partnered relationship.
I looked up the word “sustain” to help me get further clarity on my “need” for a relationship with a man. It means to keep in existence; maintain; to supply with necessities or nourishment; provide for; to support, hold.
What I understand now, is my need for loving, connected “sustenance” and that, for me, means a partnered relationship. That in order for me to truly grow into my full potential, I can’t do it alone or in a vacuum nor do I want to pretend anymore that I can.
Also, it’s impossible to deepen my learning about “me in relationship” without being in the experience of one. I have a deep commitment to keep learning as I can only support a person as far as I have grown.
I now imagine a relationship where both of us sustain the other to be the best we can be. Where we support each other every day; where we truly have each others backs; where we keep our dreams and visions alive and in existence for “us” and each other; where we hold each other in high esteem; where we hold the Other up when they are down. True symbiosis, true fulfillment.
Now THAT is what I need. And that feels right. And that feels liberating.
I’d love to hear your perspective or insights on this.
This is something that I know about myself, it is why I am leaving my husband…the relationship is not sustainable, never has been. I need to be in a loving relationship…I am actually starving. So many people out there with the wrong ideas about relationships, games being played, people being hurt…there is a real lack of respect for the whole process, I am glad that you understand and advocate that needing love, companionship etc.. is not a weakness, and that the person communicating this not a weak person but one that truly understands her/his needs-could also be self-actualized.
Cheers!
By: Sophie Giamos on January 4, 2011
at 1:03 pm
Dearest Sophie,
It is not the easiest path you choose and for that you are courageous to want more for yourself. Doing the right thing never is. My wish for you is to be nourished, fulfilled and honoured as the vibrant, delicate loving woman that you are. Never settle for mediocrity and give all of you to love. It is there for you.
By: Julie on January 4, 2011
at 2:08 pm
That was beautifully written Julie and exactly expressed my sentiments. I like to think of it as I “need” a partner, prefer and enjoy a physical connection to a man, so be it.
By: Marilyn Luff on January 4, 2011
at 1:11 pm
Hi Marilyn,
Thank you for your kind words and your candid insightfulness. If we can overcome the social mores around what is acceptable as far as our needs, and embrace our humanness, our God given birthright to flourish, then we are on the right path. The Truth will always set us free. Need on, I say!
By: Julie on January 4, 2011
at 2:04 pm
Awesome courage in this post Julie!
For me – I am clear that to go beyond just getting by, and incremental, manageable growth – I too need a man:) When I am in a deep committed relationship – I thrive. I’m blessed to be married to a fabulous man who continually sees more in me than I see in myself – and won’t stand for me being anything but the best me that I can. I’m human – and quite frankly – there are days where I would probablly choose to not get up in the morning without my husbands continual, loving demand for my greatness. I have this experience also in my dearest friendships – and I really believe that these types of relationships are core – and all of us would be well served by “needing” more of them:)
Well done my friend!
By: Kay on January 4, 2011
at 2:21 pm
Thank you Kay!
I look at you and Marcus and I see what is possible. Your continuous loving support of each other is nothing short of inspiring. You are a gift in many ways, including your authentic sharing here. I’m glad you are my friend.
By: Julie on January 4, 2011
at 2:51 pm
Hi Julie— Your words are ringing many bells with me these days. Because of past relationships, I had decided to not partake in dating for a while— just being with friends and family that care for me— and for a long time I was completely happy and fulfilled. Just recently, I’ve decided I “need” a relationship for love and natural fulfillment, companionship as well as life partnership. I have found that communication is paramount to needs being fulfilled, or you’re stuck in your own fantasy about what your partner needs and wants, and vis-a-versa– and nothing is resolved, resulting in hurt feelings and withdrawal from the relationship. Being friends first is the most important quality for me right now for peace of mind and getting to know someones capacity for caring communication. Passion being what it is, it almost never results in what a person truely “needs” in relationships.
By: MattyMat on January 4, 2011
at 3:53 pm
Hey Matt,
I thought you might see something here. You and I have shared similar stories, haven’t we?
I’m glad we are both on the same journey. you know every time you speak, you have such amazing wisdom.
You opening up to new possibilities for yourself is a Joy. I’m excited for you and your future Lady!
Know yourself first and be that which you are seeking. Lots of love to you, lil’ Bro.
By: Julie on January 4, 2011
at 7:25 pm
Hi Julie,
As my coaching tonight goes for running you may have to look deep in you and in your subconscious mind to write a new blueprint about what you want!
In relationships even more you are always fearing the same things that happened to you over and over! Same as someone that as been fired from a company they liked they will never be able to trust a new job!!
We owe to ourselves to rewrite what we believe is possible!
By: patrick kleinmann on January 4, 2011
at 6:22 pm
YES Patrick!
The work is to grow into who we truly are at our core. Shed away the old patterns and emerge transformed with a new blueprint. And you are a living, inspiring example of this! Many Blessings, my friend. And when is your next marathon?
By: Julie on January 4, 2011
at 7:28 pm
Hey Jules,
I had to take a minute from today to answer your question.
The Taoist in me urges simplification. Needing a man: it is the most primal need that you are created to have. We are, each one of us, whole as a person but it is undeniable that we are also designed to be a part. That part fits into the opposite of our sexual selves (not just the physical but the orientation) and that is simple and so complicated. We should acknowledge the complicated but center ourselves in the simple fact that we are created to want an match, regardless of our sexual orientation. I cherish your statement because it is real, honest and it is you.
And, as a man, I feel it and understand that it is a simple need for a woman and much, much more than a need for sex. Simple, true and sometimes so complicated.
Mike
By: Michael on January 5, 2011
at 7:58 am
Hi Mike,
Simple is good. And yes, we are a pair-bonding species – masculine and feminine essences and like you say, regardless of sexual orientation. I knew you would understand and bring a wise perspective to this. Thank you, my friend.
What comes up for me now that you bring sex into the equation is the collapse some people have with sex and love. Expressing love is our soul purpose on this planet and as sexual beings the act of intimate sexual encounter is a scared manifestation of love and oneness. When some people seek sex they often times are unconsciously seeking love and connection. The love and sex collapse is one I had to deal with myself. I confused sex with love. A much younger Julie thought sex was the path to love, which was my heart’s desire. I’m pretty sure others can relate. Having sex and feeling “unease” or “longing” of some nature after the fact. When love is present, sex is great. Not the other way around.
Love is all. Love You, Mike.
By: Julie on January 5, 2011
at 10:13 am
Enjoyed your post Julie, a very enjoyable read indeed.
The one thing that is true is that your relationship with yourself is expressed through the relationship you have with others. Not only its limitations but its strengths as well and your… likes and dislikes. We are mirrors to each other reflecting each others faults. And we both know the product of two mirrors reflecting each other. Infinity…..
Which is I think also part of the equation too. One’s connectivity to nature, the universe and beyond.
We live every day in conflict to our natures. We have separated ourselves physically and spiritually from whence we came.As a species we have literally waged war on the earth which gave birth to us. This inner conflict that we experience to our own natures must in some way create conflict in our human relationships.
If we see the earth as something only to be used and exploited, is that then not unreasonable to suggest that that will be the basis for all our other relationships?
Gandhi says to be the change you want to see. Which is not only beautiful but brilliant as well. It is a statement that can apply to all aspects of one’s life, including one’s relationships. It also can be used like a mirror to explain much about ourselves as well. What we see is that, what is wrong with our relationships is a reflection upon ourselves. When we do this, consciously it can be a great tool to understanding more about ourselves. But when we live unaware that this is going on, then it will be a river that will carry us where it wants to take us.
The problem is that most of us are not aware, not even in hindsight. Most of us live in a world of justifications and excuses. And all this does is blind us to the reality that is around us. Blind us to the lesson that is being presented to us.
It can also be said that as a species we must also ask ourselves. How is our relationship with the earth mother and the spirit father? How far have we distorted the true messages brought to us by all the prophets of the world, in the name of culture and mythology.
The essence of creation is love, this is the purpose of life. To create, to love.
Instead, as a species we live in artifices , that separate ourselves from nature, bombard ourselves with lies and distortions(media), and are constantly at war with , not only each other, but our creators too.
But, it doesn’t have to be this way, and the optimist in me believes that we have the ability to change, not only individually. But as a species as well.
Cheers
By: Frederick on January 5, 2011
at 11:28 am
Dear Frederick,
Where do I begin but to acknowledge you as profoundly insightful.
You speak ancient wisdom and I am pleased ans in awe.
Blessings my friend, Julie
By: Julie on January 6, 2011
at 9:59 pm
Eternal truth apparently has been found. Better late than never. No one can find it for you, an individual has to find it for her/his self. Even if some one points that out to us, it is to no avail, we have to experience it our self to be able to know what it’s all about. It’s there all along and is only found at one’s own pace and understanding.
In this particular instance I can contribute what an ancient scripture read, “Men and women are like dress to each other.” To understand dress is up to an individual. Dress, first of all, covers, provides comfort, protects, enhances and so on. Dress is our “need.” As such it’s not only that a woman needs a man, a man needs a woman equally as much. Celibacy as such is very unnatural.
In superficial relationships sex apparently gets confused, and there’s a fine line that separates lust and love. That confusion apparently gave way to the quote, “Women give sex to get love and men give love to get sex.”
By: Mo on January 5, 2011
at 10:29 pm
Hello Mo,
Thank you for this, it is enlightening. YES, we all will discover Truth as we journey…sometimes we know the Truth at a very deep level, yet resist it with denial and are unwilling to speak it into existence, as was my case.
Your quote and understanding of “dress” causes me to want even more to surrender into my need for a man. It is lovely.
Thank you.
By: Julie on January 6, 2011
at 9:56 pm
Dear Julie, Regarding your latest blog I need a Man. Do you need a man or a partner?Sometimes our walk through life is not all its cracked up to be.Sometimes we require a little help along the way.The kind of person you need is a life partner.A person that is there for you through thick and thin.An understanding person who Loves you for who you are not what you can do.Perhaps the reason you can’t find a man is that you are searching for your life partner. I say good luck with your search Julie you deserve the best. Love Lloyd
By: Lloyd C. on January 6, 2011
at 2:58 pm
Hi Lloyd,
YES, I need a Life Partner and that would be a Man – for me they are synonymous.
I trust others will substitute “Life Partner” or “Women”, if that fits better.
Mind you, I guess I will soften up a bit more and show more of my feminine side.
so as to avoid any possible confusion as to my sexual orientation
Love you too. Julie
By: Julie on January 6, 2011
at 9:47 pm
When I read your blog, it reminded me of what Jesus said as recorded by John…”Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”
I believe Jesus meant this both literally and figuratively, but it is the figurative “laying down of your life” that I believe you were talking about in your blog. A willingness to submit wholly of the mind or in other words; to accept that we need relationship and submit to that need whole-heartedly. Of course, we still need wisdom to know who we can open our hearts to, but acknowledging that it is a necessity to live in relationship (especially after being hurt as everyone has been), can be tough.
Xo laura
By: laura on January 7, 2011
at 4:26 pm
Laura,
Thank you for bringing this vantage point into the Light.
The tough part was in deciding to surrender…on the other side was much peace and freedom.
I truly value your generous, loving support and your compassionate caring.
Love you too… Oh great personal trainer in many many inspiring ways!!! Julie
By: Julie on January 7, 2011
at 5:44 pm
Julie, I too, need a man in my life, as I need food & water & shelter & sleep. I feel a committed relationship is essential for a full & complete life.
I used to be very “needy” & stayed in relationships which were very toxic because of my fear of being alone ie: without a man. I have abandoned that thinking & know that I can survive on my own, because I’ve done it. But to get past mere survival & be fully alive I need a partner to share my life.
I need someone who I know I can depend on through thick & thin & who can lean on me when he needs to. We have a loving partnership, with trust, respect & laughter as key elements of that relationship. We can ‘agree to disagree without being disagreeable’. A huge step for me, in that in the past, I felt that we should agree on everything. Totally impossible & unrealistic…and an idea doomed for failure.
Thanks for having the courage to bring this need to the table for discussion.
Love, Vicky
By: Victoria Shearon on January 23, 2011
at 7:40 pm